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Now I am.

Magic? :P

HI COLA

As you can see I don’t use this much. :P

Bahhh… I haven’t done a review in a long while. So without further adieu…

Valkyrie Profile 2 is a game developed by Square Enix of all things. And those who know me well should know I hate Square Enix with a passion since they can’t get their shit together. But will this game exceeded my expectations? Read to find out.

The game starts out with our “hero” Alicia and her problem is that she has two split personalities. One who is a weak minded girl who has too many social problems and the other one is a Valkyrie who decided to move in and she wants to beat the shit out of Odin because she just so happened to be in someone else’s body. And they hired some dunce who can’t seem to figure that there’s something wrong with the girl. And so they go off to fight random people!

For some reason this game reminds me a lot of Odin Sphere, besides the obvious. Alicia explores the world of Midgard in a 2D sidescroller in a similar manner as Odin Sphere. However unlike the other game Alicia will need to jump a few times and use enemies as platforms instead of added mobility. Also the game’s combat system, namely the AP system, is similar to Odin’s Sphere’s Power Bar. I’ll go over the AP system in the next paragraph. :P

Obviously there will be times when you will have to fight enemies, though theoretically you can avoid them all via freezing them temporary. But the combat system is pretty complex yet somewhat deep. Whenever you encounter an enemy you’ll see a bunch of enemies in a 3d map. Its turn based in real time which means the enemy will attack you if they get too close. The game has an AP system which everyone needs AP to even attack that poor bastard. So if you have next to nothing AP you pretty much have to run around like a dumbass screaming Bloody Mary. The game also encourages you to split your character’s party so they can get the drop on the enemies. Of course for some reason this doesn’t work so well because you can’t control all your characters at once which leads to your guys getting hurt. So the best way to win is to have everyone hop around like they’re on the set of “The Wizard of Oz” and unload on leader.

But all in all its pretty solid in terms of gameplay. And yes this review is short because I hadn’t played too much of it but I got the general idea. I’ll recommend this game to those who want to make fun of a plot that makes little sense and everything in between. And also those who like RPGs since this one is similar to one. But otherwise go get Odin Sphere. :P

Btw. The next game I will be reviewing next is either Makai Kingdom or Muramasa: The Demon Blade. Tune in next time to see which one gets it. :P

Of course! <3 I love you too! :D

God of War is a classic PS2 game that defined Hack and Slash today. And its setting is Ancient Greece were Gods walked among men. But what did God of War really got this ancient myth right? Well jackshit. I’ll be covering the entire first game with this post hopefully. Also WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE SERIES WILL BE PRESENT

Kratos

Kratos is the protagonist of the games, in the original God of War he’s a demigod who fought in the Spartan army but soon afterwords ends up finding himself in a Godly mess that makes his entire life a living hell. Kratos ends up fighting Ares entire army to make it to the top and become the God of War if you hadn’t known this already.

In the original myths Cratos was the personification of Strength and Power, son of Pallas, a Titan, and Styx the goddess. He had 3 siblings, Nike the Goddess of Victory, Bia Goddess of Force, and Zelus God of Zeal. They were winged enforcers of Zeus. They actually were the ones who caught Prometheus and bound him after his little fire act.

The Hydra

The Hydra in God of War was different from other hydras. This one appears to be segmented from one giant hydra. Though there was no head chopping which wouldn’t explain how it has many heads. This hydra seems to have a master head that needs to be alive. Also it implies the hydra heads also have brains of their own. But Kratos managed to slay the best by impaling its head on the mast of the ship he was on.

God of War has actually portrayed the hydra fairly well, in fact there’s been at least 2 different hydras in the world, possibly 3 counting Japan’s Yamata No Orochi and 8 headed dragon. The problem is that the hydras were in different places. Heracules fought the Lernaean Hydra for his Second Labor. The 2nd hydra hangs out around the fiery river Phlegethon in the Underworld. And as mentioned Orochi was in Japan only to be slain by Susanoo which brings up the question, what the fuck? The hydra Kratos doesn’t make sense since it implies Kratos fought during his trip to Athens and the fact it has heads even though no one seems to be strong enough to chop one of its heads. I suppose Rule of Cool is added on to this.

Oh and the Lernaean Hydra also had a crab for a friend.

Minotaurs

The minotaurs in this game are portrayed as giant brutes who are good at combat. Wielding axes they form the muscle of Ares’ army in order to destroy Athens. They spawn almost as much as Ares’ regular minions. And they can be somewhat of a hassle to take down. But Kratos has proven he can take one down and shove his blades down its throat. Later in the game Kratos fights a corpse of a large minotaur incased in menacing armor only to have it staked.

There’s lots of problems with this however. There was only one minotaur in myth and it had nothing to do with Ares what so ever. The minotaur was born when Minos’ didn’t sacrifice his bull to Poseidon so he had Aphrodite made his wife love the Cretan Bull and then this monster was born. It was being raised but since it wasn’t natural it didn’t had the right nutrition so it hunger for man which lead it to being trapped in the Labyrinth and ends up getting slain by Theseus. So basically Sony was running out of ideas for enemies and just gave the minotaur to Ares. The only explanation I have is that the large minotaur Kratos fights is the original one which Ares made clones of.

Medusa and the Gorgons

Medusa is a mid-boss character in God of War which leads to Kratos to tearing her head off with his bare hands, this gives Kratos’ Medusa’s gaze that slowly turns the enemy to stone. Then afterwords the gorgons are uncommon enemies, all with the same powers of Medusa. They have the tendency to be pretty annoying however.

However there’s a couple of problems, there’s only been 3 confirmed Gorgons in Greek myth. Specifically the Gorgon Sisters, Medusa, Euryale, and Stheno. Stheno and Euryale were both immortal and Medusa wasn’t. They do share the same powers of being able to turn anyone to stone, but that’s what they’re known for. Their appearance in God of War is serpent-like which isn’t quite true, Gorgons were depicted as winged women with serpent hair, a wide mouth with tusks, and long tongues. And finally Medusa was slain by Perseus with the help of the Gods. Talk about wrong all over.

Cyclops

Cyclops are pretty straight forward, one eyed giants who are angry all the time. They have huge brute strength and will crush Kratos easily if he isn’t carefully. One of the more harder enemies, they can take a while to even kill.

Cyclops of Greece were different from modern day interpretations, they were feared by Uranus and Kronos and were sealed in Tartarus and guarded by a dragon. Zeus before Titanomachy freed these cyclopes with the Hecatoncheires to aid his efforts against the Titans. These cyclopes then created Zeus’ mighty thunderbolt to cast at the Titans. They also created Poseidon’s famous trident, and Hades’ helm of invisibility. These weapons help the Gods win Titanomachy. However modern day cyclopes seem to be based off Polyphemus from the Odyssey. And we ought to know where that’s going.

Harpies

In a way the harpies are the goddammed bats of this game. They’re nearly hard to hit due to them flying all over but their attacks are pretty obvious. They constantly annoy Kratos during his journey, they do their job well. And they love to eat flesh.

They got harpies nearly right. They are almost the same in myth, they’re ugly bird-women that love to annoy. The problem is their placement as enemies. Harpies are actually spirits of sharp gust winds and they were known to be the hounds of Zeus. They can snatch storm winds when not snatching people or food. They are arguably most well known for plaguing King Phineus who revealed the secrets of the Gods. They kept taking his food whenever he sees it, at least until the Argonauts came around.

The Sirens

The sirens featured in this game were wandering throughout a desert and were the key to getting out of the desert that imprisoned Kronos. They’re very magic based and they’re pretty fast as well. They can be very hard to take down in numbers.

Sirens are a lot different. The only thing God of War got right about this one is that Sirens sing, possibly even lure the player to it. However there’s a lot of things wrong about them. First off they wouldn’t be found in a desert of all things, they’re actucally sea nymphs. Furthermore they’re very similar to harpies as they had bird-like bodies with the heads of women. The major difference between the two is that Harpies are ugly while Sirens aren’t. Also Sirens sing to seduce men to fall into a watery grave, however if they have men escape after hearing their song they get quite suicidal. Also the sirens were said to be Persephone’s handmaids before her decent to the Underworld.

Cerberus

In God of War Cerberus appears as enemies for Kratos, sent by Ares. Though there’s 2 different types of them, the puppies and the adults. The puppies are pretty weak but leave them alone and you’ll have a big pain in the ass. The adults are quite powerful but they can spawn more puppies by puking them. Just make sure you kill the puppies first!

Obviously there’s a lot wrong with this. First off there’s only one Cerberus who was born from Echidna and Typhon and guards the gates of the Underworld. The only time Cerberus ever came out of the Underworld was when Hercules was asked to grab him for his final labor which was fine by Hades. Ares has really nothing to do with Cerberus and obviously it can’t reproduce like its virtual counterparts. Makes you wonder why.

Satyrs

These guys are fast and good at defense, and surprising good with their staffs these guys are quite powerful and shouldn’t be underestimated. They can beat Kratos silly if he isn’t careful.

But what the fuck though, Satyrs wouldn’t dare get involved with a war between gods, hell they would be too fucking drunk to even fight. These guys would drink and chase women all day if they wanted to. But what were the devs thinking adding these to the game oh wait they were drunk too.

Pandora’s Box

Pandora’s Box is a key item in Kratos’ quest so he can kill Ares. The box grants the person the power to kill a God which Kratos needs. He manages to acquire it but ends up dying and getting it back from Ares. It makes Kratos into a giant and gives him God powers appeantly. It later becomes important in the later games as well.

But one thing, Pandora already fricking opened it you fucktards. They did give the excuse that Pandora didn’t opened it yet but then the box losses the point. Also since Kratos opened up the box would mean he would be filled with lots of evil and disease which means we all go “what!?”

Also Pandora’s Box wasn’t really a box. :P

The Underworld

The Underworld portrayed in God of War was a hell hole with people falling from the sky, and the enemies are all on fire. Kratos wanders between the Underworld and the living world, as he hasn’t fallen in with everyone else. The platforms are made from bones and have sharp blades around. And it almost seems like Hell.

The thing is that this is Underworld not freaking Hell. This is one thing I really don’t get, the Underworld in Ancient times were known to be quite peaceful unless you go very far into Tartarus. The Underworld in this game is pretty much the Christian version of Hell which pretty much pisses me off. Thankfully it took 2 games later to get it right. Though however it leads too…

Kratos’ Escape from the Underworld

Kratos manages to escape the Underworld, due to help to the Gravedigger from earlier. Kratos wonders how he got out but the Gravedigger says to get on with the show. But later in God of War 3 its been revealed that the Gravedigger is actually Zeus in disguise which means Zeus is willing to help Kratos for now anyways.

However there’s a lot of things wrong here. For starters Kratos has died and had passed through the Underworld whom got out due to Zeus. This might sound right but there’s a few things wrong with that, only Hades and Persephone can decide who can leave the underworld, not Zeus. However there are myths saying people have managed to escape the Underworld, but however the only way they got out was because they were mortal unlike Kratos here since he’s dead. And even though its species has shown up, the real Cerberus wasn’t around either. So the only other explanation I have is the way Hercules came to be a God but he didn’t come back to the mortal world once he was revived. But I guess they just wanted that there.

The Battle with Ares

The whole plot was to get stronger to kill Ares so nightmares would go away. Well appeantly he just doesn’t like Athena so he just felt like blowing shit up. So Kratos finally meets his enemy and faces him in a duel with ends with him killing Ares. Lovely.

But the only thing is that Gods are immortal, which means that Ares would not only survive but he’s gonna feel that all next week. Also he took Ares’ title which Ares isn’t going to like. Also Ares can’t declare war against a fellow God/Goddess regardless. So basically Kratos just feels like being a dick.

So that’s the entire episode and it took freaking all day. Your gonna have to wait a long ass time for episode 2 so until then! Have fun learning something new!

I love Heidi Kitzhofer so much, she always makes me happy because I do. And as I wait for her to wake up I grow excited to spend the day with her. I love having lots of fun with her, and she’s very funny. I have to say its been one hell of an adventure Heidi and it won’t ever end. And we’re going to be like yay! when we’re sleeping tonight too. :) And I must say I love you so much <3 <3 <3 Forever and ever! :- *:-* :-*